by Heather Ash and Raven Smith

All relationships, from friends to family, intimate partners to coworkers, stem from our relationship with self. The level of depth, healing, and sustained joy (or lack of) in all of our relating reflects our willingness to be intimate and honest with who we really are. This is deep work, the peeling of layers of fear, domestication, and busyness to unearth our truest self and share it with others. It takes a strong heart and courageous spirit to turn our focus away from leaning on others for validation and a sense of love, whether sweet or drama-filled.

Much of our relating to self and others is from a place of "crust." Crust relating is surface relating. It is the realm of small talk, social masks, projection, old strategies and patterns. The crust realm is often unconscious, habituated, or simply a more comfortable (or known) way of relating to self and others. Crust relating usually stems from the head.

Depth relating comes from our core. Depth relating stems from feeling deeply into ourselves for our truth in the moment, and consciously choosing how to share ourselves. Depth comes from having a strong container for the self, so we can hold ourselves through our own pain and fears, rather than looking for another to do so for us. Depth relating is spontaneous, heart-felt, conscious and not always comfortable! The path of depth leads to communion, a dissolution of the separation between self and other.

Crust-oriented people unconsciously avoid depth through being nice but not real, through creating drama to divert attention, by isolating, by wearing a social mask, or a hundred other clever strategies. Almost all of us fall back on crust when we feel vulnerable, out of control, fearful, or tired. Some of us choose to avoid depth because of the perceived pain or old emotions/memories that have settled there.

There are places for both crust and depth connections in our lives. Conscious depth-oriented people are fluid with crust and depth, as the situation warrants. They do not judge crust, or think themselves beyond it; they simply prefer to be moving into more depth in all of their connections. Depth-oriented people hold their depth while playing in crust, and are equally at ease with crust as with depth.

Each of us has the capacity to move more into depth, and live from our own essential nature. We can move beyond the little lies, judgments, fears, and comparison to embrace all of ourselves. With patience, willingness, and support we can heal the core fears and stuck emotions that reside deep within us. We have the power to change our relationship with self. This blossoming of self allows authentic connection with others. How exciting to be in relationships without need, self-punishment, or settling! This is the art of relationship.

Sexual energy is our life force, and a potent ally on the spiritual journey. Many of us were taught that we would be safe or spiritual only by suppressing our sexual energy. Yet dampening our own life force squelches the very fire of our life. Accessing our own sexual flow enhances our creativity, joy, and vibrancy. The internal fire of our sexual essence opens the pathways for us to tap our intuition and listen to the wisdom of our bodies. Whether you are celibate, single, in a monogamous sexual relationship with one person, or you choose to be sexual with many people, your sexual energy can be a vital access point to spirit.